一次 再一次

一次又一次的想参与，一次又一次的被拒于门外
说是无理取闹，我只是心存不甘
从来没有被伤得更深
你...听不到吧？

最不敢明面对的，是自己。
一直说不喜欢通宵熬夜赶作业，却一直在这样
其实不喜欢作业讨厌通宵，原因只有一个
我怕自己会累，一直想要避免，是因为知道自己累的时候会情绪崩溃

逃避，或许会是比较好的选择，因为不能改变环境，也不想被环境改变自己。
常常被人家问：‘你还好吧？’ 嗯，很好
那你有没有想过，如果我说不，你帮得上忙吗？

问候，也只不过是一种自我安慰
如果真的需要，又有谁愿意留下呢？

好想回家。连做功课的心情都没了。应该说是要做功课的时候就想立刻回家逃避现实 :(
自己明明很幸福了，为什么却还一直羡慕其他人呢？得到想要的，是高兴。现在拥有的，是幸福。感恩，知足，常乐。

我要的幸福，比你想象的更简单。当一个人越来越复杂，简单就越困难。或许我所谓的困难，其实就很简单。或许，你给的幸福不是我向往的，但那并不代表我不幸福，更不代表你不爱我。

幸福，大家都有。重点是，你们记不记得感恩？

ten things in 2012

1. Found a homestay with a lot of pets! I was thrilled, though later on I discovered that the cat is very ‘pai kuan'.
   
   
2. Went to Bali with.........*eh hem* (Thanks for your enthusiasm to plan our trip, otherwise I will be literally sleeping for the whole day for a week)
   
   
3. Touchy faraway birthday celebration video from 'you know who you are(s)'.
   
   
4. Picked up reading as my new hobby. (a good time-killer too)
   
   
5. Met up with JL in Penang and I had a great time with her. Not too sure about her though :P
   
   
6. Finally owned a labbit and named it after the cutest goldfish game on mum's iphone. (cute above + cute) :D
   
   
7. Figured out that I am not going to draw CAD for the rest of my life.
   
   
8. Had a short and sweet meet up with da bian at One U. ( short as in we have endless topics, but sweet because we both were having sore legs) :P
   
   
9. Experienced the most polite cric session in the archi firm I'm doing my training throughout 2 years of my archi life.
   
   
10. Have someone to do this 身心有益 punya activity with. :i

roti canai + teh tarik

一杯teh tarik, 一片roti canai, 就足以让我有个愉快的晚上。刚才一想起roti canai 还一时兴奋得连自己左边和右边脚穿上了不一样的拖鞋都不知道，幸亏被妹妹察觉到，不然就臭大了 @@

妈妈还开玩笑对人家说我是因为在国外没好料吃，所以回到来吃到什么都说好吃，结果就拼了命地一直吃......说起来是个玩笑，但我的心情就犹如哑巴吃黄连---有苦自知。妈妈没有说错，可是我是以认真的心态看待这件事。（贪吃 :P ）

就那区区一团用廉价面粉和食油搓出来的食物，给予的满足感却是无价的。一餐简单的夜宵，已远胜了那遥远的国度所能供应的一切。我不否认我的幸福，但其实我需要的不多。用不着几百万的马币，不需要到最好的地方接受最好的教育；我要的幸福，不难。当然，我从这难得的机遇受惠不浅，认识了很多新事物。但最刻骨铭心的，还是简单是福。

也许我还没看见更大的画面，一片roti canai 就可以bla 出一大堆有的没的。也许，我错了。

或许人都需要更多才看得见微小的细节。或许在未来的某一天，我会因为更大的事物来让我理解现在的（大）细节。或许有一天，我可以为了它，放弃roti canai。

我期待那一天的到来。
因为更恐怖的会是，那一天根本就不存在。

"it's alright"

It's 2 weeks left before the semester ends. I want to get my work done so that I could go home, but on the other hand, I'm procrastinating. I'm not, actually, but I just can't figure out what to do, what to design. Perhaps the failure of the first assignment had left an impact on me. I keep on telling myself that it is ok because this is a process of learning. On the external, I really do feel ok about it. But somewhere deep inside my heart's corner, I know it has indeed discouraged me. And this is perhaps why I still couldn't come out with a new design for the first project, and I always have the feeling that I will never get it right. I don't want to procrastinate, but I couldn't come out with anything. Sitting there and keep on drawing is not the way because I'll get more depressed as time passed, neither do getting any from work and enjoy myself because I'm not progressing with my work. Maybe I'm just not stimulated, maybe I'm just not good enough for this, maybe it's just the inner me that is refusing to work. Despite all the maybe(s), I know that these shouldn't be my excuse for not getting my work progressed. I should be responsible for myself. I know that this is the stress that I am giving to myself, due to the expectations from others. I want to get out from this. You can't live your life by having someone or something to constantly stimulating your dumb brain. Maybe, what I really need a talking machine. A thing that will not get tired accompanying you, not get tired of listening to whatever important or unimportant stuffs you have to say, will talk to you constantly whenever you need someone to talk to you, will never get crossed for whatever you have said or done, will be there to give you a hug and to tell you that everything is fine.

I just want to feel better. But I can't do it on my own. I'm still living for other people. I wish the people that I (think) I'm living for, will tell me that it's alright to not get things right. Even to the end, even if I fail this one, or even, if i don't want to do it anymore. To a certain degree, I still have the pride of being someone that everyone thinks you're good. Please, do not take it all away.

矛盾

其实，人到底可不可以相信？:(