一次 再一次

一次又一次的想参与，一次又一次的被拒于门外
说是无理取闹，我只是心存不甘
从来没有被伤得更深
你...听不到吧？

最不敢明面对的，是自己。
一直说不喜欢通宵熬夜赶作业，却一直在这样
其实不喜欢作业讨厌通宵，原因只有一个
我怕自己会累，一直想要避免，是因为知道自己累的时候会情绪崩溃

逃避，或许会是比较好的选择，因为不能改变环境，也不想被环境改变自己。
常常被人家问：‘你还好吧？’ 嗯，很好
那你有没有想过，如果我说不，你帮得上忙吗？

问候，也只不过是一种自我安慰
如果真的需要，又有谁愿意留下呢？

好想回家。连做功课的心情都没了。应该说是要做功课的时候就想立刻回家逃避现实 :(
自己明明很幸福了，为什么却还一直羡慕其他人呢？得到想要的，是高兴。现在拥有的，是幸福。感恩，知足，常乐。

我要的幸福，比你想象的更简单。当一个人越来越复杂，简单就越困难。或许我所谓的困难，其实就很简单。或许，你给的幸福不是我向往的，但那并不代表我不幸福，更不代表你不爱我。

幸福，大家都有。重点是，你们记不记得感恩？

ten things in 2012

1. Found a homestay with a lot of pets! I was thrilled, though later on I discovered that the cat is very ‘pai kuan'.
   
   
2. Went to Bali with.........*eh hem* (Thanks for your enthusiasm to plan our trip, otherwise I will be literally sleeping for the whole day for a week)
   
   
3. Touchy faraway birthday celebration video from 'you know who you are(s)'.
   
   
4. Picked up reading as my new hobby. (a good time-killer too)
   
   
5. Met up with JL in Penang and I had a great time with her. Not too sure about her though :P
   
   
6. Finally owned a labbit and named it after the cutest goldfish game on mum's iphone. (cute above + cute) :D
   
   
7. Figured out that I am not going to draw CAD for the rest of my life.
   
   
8. Had a short and sweet meet up with da bian at One U. ( short as in we have endless topics, but sweet because we both were having sore legs) :P
   
   
9. Experienced the most polite cric session in the archi firm I'm doing my training throughout 2 years of my archi life.
   
   
10. Have someone to do this 身心有益 punya activity with. :i

roti canai + teh tarik

一杯teh tarik, 一片roti canai, 就足以让我有个愉快的晚上。刚才一想起roti canai 还一时兴奋得连自己左边和右边脚穿上了不一样的拖鞋都不知道，幸亏被妹妹察觉到，不然就臭大了 @@

妈妈还开玩笑对人家说我是因为在国外没好料吃，所以回到来吃到什么都说好吃，结果就拼了命地一直吃......说起来是个玩笑，但我的心情就犹如哑巴吃黄连---有苦自知。妈妈没有说错，可是我是以认真的心态看待这件事。（贪吃 :P ）

就那区区一团用廉价面粉和食油搓出来的食物，给予的满足感却是无价的。一餐简单的夜宵，已远胜了那遥远的国度所能供应的一切。我不否认我的幸福，但其实我需要的不多。用不着几百万的马币，不需要到最好的地方接受最好的教育；我要的幸福，不难。当然，我从这难得的机遇受惠不浅，认识了很多新事物。但最刻骨铭心的，还是简单是福。

也许我还没看见更大的画面，一片roti canai 就可以bla 出一大堆有的没的。也许，我错了。

或许人都需要更多才看得见微小的细节。或许在未来的某一天，我会因为更大的事物来让我理解现在的（大）细节。或许有一天，我可以为了它，放弃roti canai。

我期待那一天的到来。
因为更恐怖的会是，那一天根本就不存在。

"it's alright"

It's 2 weeks left before the semester ends. I want to get my work done so that I could go home, but on the other hand, I'm procrastinating. I'm not, actually, but I just can't figure out what to do, what to design. Perhaps the failure of the first assignment had left an impact on me. I keep on telling myself that it is ok because this is a process of learning. On the external, I really do feel ok about it. But somewhere deep inside my heart's corner, I know it has indeed discouraged me. And this is perhaps why I still couldn't come out with a new design for the first project, and I always have the feeling that I will never get it right. I don't want to procrastinate, but I couldn't come out with anything. Sitting there and keep on drawing is not the way because I'll get more depressed as time passed, neither do getting any from work and enjoy myself because I'm not progressing with my work. Maybe I'm just not stimulated, maybe I'm just not good enough for this, maybe it's just the inner me that is refusing to work. Despite all the maybe(s), I know that these shouldn't be my excuse for not getting my work progressed. I should be responsible for myself. I know that this is the stress that I am giving to myself, due to the expectations from others. I want to get out from this. You can't live your life by having someone or something to constantly stimulating your dumb brain. Maybe, what I really need a talking machine. A thing that will not get tired accompanying you, not get tired of listening to whatever important or unimportant stuffs you have to say, will talk to you constantly whenever you need someone to talk to you, will never get crossed for whatever you have said or done, will be there to give you a hug and to tell you that everything is fine.

I just want to feel better. But I can't do it on my own. I'm still living for other people. I wish the people that I (think) I'm living for, will tell me that it's alright to not get things right. Even to the end, even if I fail this one, or even, if i don't want to do it anymore. To a certain degree, I still have the pride of being someone that everyone thinks you're good. Please, do not take it all away.

矛盾

其实，人到底可不可以相信？:(

._.

人家常说，成为你希望看到的改变。所以我都很努力的学习变成自己想要遇到的那种人。到最后才发现，被感动的只有自己。我领悟错什么了吗？

真的不喜欢上学

自幼儿园开始，我就不喜欢上学，一直到小学，一直到中学，一直到大学。我从来都没有喜欢过上学。从小学至中学，不想去学校还可以哭哭啼啼的，然后就等爸爸来安抚。在学校遇到不开心的事，都是爸爸到学校摆平的。可上了大学，爸爸这个地位，好像越来越渺小，越来越没权威了，对太多太多的事都爱莫能助了。

我这个人很懒，懒得连做事都不太想用脑。最好是，你把要做的是跟我交待，然后我做就是了，什么都不用想。也许是太懒了，所以很怕麻烦。偏偏在一个人的日子里，什么事都要自己想。吃什么，功课怎么做，衣服几时该洗了，今天要不要上街，什么时候该出发，巴士又什么时候到................所有的琐碎事，都很麻烦，很烦人。一个人等巴士时最为压力，因为常常会旷神，所以深怕巴士飘过我眼前都没注意到。

还是不爱上学，甚至看到学校里的同学都有种莫名的憎恨感。所以在学校都不怎么交朋友，尤其最最讨厌那种一直把功课成绩挂嘴边的。亲爱的，我的人生里，还有很多更值得一提的事呢。新学期即将来临，我真的很怕，真的不想这个新学期会变得像之前的那些一样，一样可怕，一样可恶。

都怪自己笨，好选不选就是选了要读那么多年的科系。每次都做那些愚蠢又没得回头的决定。现在好啦，看来读完这个3，还要来个+2，而且是一个人在那种遥远的国度过日子。我的天，什么时候才可以不用再上学了？ :|

不要嫉妒，我今天没事做~

临时决定在考试前回家，我一度还真的觉得自己疯了。我不知道是我太乐观还是太悲观的关系；我不清楚是我太高估自己还是我低估了自己。整个感觉很极端，甚至在订了机票后，我还在怀疑自己这么做到底是变得不清醒了还是顿时的清醒了。原本以为繁忙的功课暂时结束后在那边的日子也许会好过些。可是我错了，闲空的时间多了，我就开始察觉到寂寞。大家还是各忙各的，我行我素。我不喜欢一个人的感觉，我也没办法过一个人的日子。

对于我突然决定回家之事，父母也表示赞同，没多说什么。或许是因为我前一阵子把家里搞得“鸡犬不宁”，让他们担心了才没反对吧。还没到家就一直拼命给我打电话，一下说有的没的，一下又问我想吃什么。还真有点让我受宠若惊 ><

回到来，我想吃什么，只要开个金口东西就摆到面前来，说真的，我还真的初次得到这种“上等” 待遇。话说回来，我还要减肥的。不要再用食物引诱我了啦 T.T

在家的心情真的平静了很多很多。当一个人感受到被爱，真的会觉得世界充满了期待，看待人生也不会那么悲观了。听起来很夸张，我自己也觉得好笑，不过感觉归感觉，就是它在操纵人们的思维。虽说我们不该受到外来因素影响情绪，可是内心的平静也都是来自外面的某些东西。就像功课一样，没有"input"，哪来的"output"？

这位娇身惯养的小姐，是时候成长了。长大了，人总要对自己负责任。

p/s: 我知道，这次没有做错决定 :)

Fan Shu read THIS

Aglio Olio!

This is my second attempt! It's basically not a fail one, somehow it doesn't taste like authentic ones because I ended up adding whatever I like (it was tasteless according to mum).

Well, there's no word limit ya? So i guess that's all for my aglio olio report. Hahahaha :P

Next!

Tada! My roughly-a-week-old sports shoe. Sorry for the late. My phone was on PMS (can't upload after several attempts) so I transferred it to the computer and blog it! :)

Lastly.......

Doggy and kitty CNY cookies. ^^

These are what I've done recently. P/S: fan shu, I think my report had ran out of topic. :~

Hundreds of whys

I miss everything. That I used to have. People often tell others to cherish what they have, so that they won't feel regret as things are gone. But knowing to appreciate doesn't mean things won't change. The world intended to control people, nature and many more. Yet they've failed to control the time. We can't travel as fast as the speed of light. The Earth continues to spin, time passes, people changes -- nothing lasts. It might come back again, in a millennium I guess? Maybe. Who knows. No one could survive that long. No matter how much love and gratitude you've poured in, that person will still leave you someday. At least you won't be sorry to yourself? This just seems to be a pathetic way of self consolation to me.

Life's unfair, I know. Is it because the Earth is tilted at 23.4°? Or is it because our heart's located at the lefter part of the body?

Can't you see?!

Though it looks like a small matter, you'll never know how much it hurts. Because you don't care. Neither should I. Who can change me when I can't even listen to myself? The one who can will always not want to do so.

I wish that I'm over you.

A box

Is life all about making decisions and regretting over what you've chosen?

I really can't go on anymore. The more I force myself to step forward, the weaker I'm becoming. When efforts that you gave doesn't payback,what would you do? I don't know. I really don't. I feel so bad, and it's bad to feel bad. Nightmares, tears, scoldings, and counselings that are not giving any positive changes in me. I'm so sorry. I tried really hard. But I just failed again and again. Words that were said, aids that were given, aren't helping much. Tears go on, and nightmares continue with no mercy. Sometimes I just try to hold my breath in the hope that everything could stop. I'm dread of reality. I'm doing silly stuffs to "help" myself getting over these. I don't want to turn to anyone because all the blames will be back to me. Yes. I have a problem. And the problem is ME.

At times I just wish that I could hide myself inside a box. Where you occupied the space physically so that it gives you the feeling of being mentally occupied too, and there's no extra rooms for nonsense thoughts. =(

中。秋。节

真的真的对自己感到极度失望。花了那么多时间，牺牲了那么多睡眠，抛开了周末的愉快，我制造了一堆垃圾。是！过去的事就别再提了，然而我没办法不去想，然后又觉得自己为什么一直在担心过去的事，我很讨厌很讨厌现在的自己！

今天是中秋节，一个孤独又难过得中秋节... :'(

End it.

I've been crying for days consequently. And I once thought I'd not cry over anything anymore. I was wrong. Tears just flow uncontrollably. Thank god it stops after a while. Is that what we called "cry over and get over?" Anyways, life's been good overall. I bet people who read this would caught a shock. Yes, it is for real. Though shit happens, I'm still able to live a life out of those shits. My point is, being happy doesn't mean that you don't feel sad. And of course, feeling sad doesn't indicate that you don't experience joyful moments. Not everything should be told, or to be found out. In fact, keeping hopes is much better than to try to make your dreams come true. Some wishes are better to remain ungranted, because the most exciting part of having a wish is to dream for the time when it comes true. As long as you have dreams, or even dream, you'll live. I've made my decision, to end this. :)

怪物

最近都没什么感觉。
因该不是麻木了，而是我试着操控自己的情绪。
电话跌花了我都不允许自己不高兴，反而觉得，我大概是第一个弄损电话的人吧。
算！我承认自己不是斯文类的。 = =

本来很多东西要说，但是突然不知道该怎么说，还是我根本就不想说。
那天有个朋友问我隔多久通电回家，我大剌剌的回答说：“无事不登三宝殿。”
这，是事实。
人家报喜不报忧，换作是我那应该无话可说了。
那天我好像把事情弄糟了，他们应该很担心吧？
可是难道我说出心里的话也有错吗？T.T 
我不是笨！我只是觉得，人家要的不代表我也应该 要。
我知道你为我好，可是你至少也该尝试去明白我啊。
又是你说有什么事可以跟你说，不要乱想，可我说了你又是如此的反应，我该继续说吗？答案我没有，但是我的心告诉我，我不要再说了。
其实我知道，说了肯定不成，我太了解你了！:P
所以我并没有失望，只想让你明白我的想法。
打从一开始你就知道了，你认为时间能冲淡一切，并不是。

你一直说了解我，那你猜猜看我还能撑多久呢？ :i

New sem vs. Stagnant me

Sem 2 is about to begin. I should feel lucky that amongst all the uni, mine will be the last to start the lessons. At least I haven't knew any uni that has longer winter break than mine, so far. Everyone is so passionate. They set aims and stuffs. Hoping for better things in a new sem. People are excited, about the new sem, new friends, new life and everything. How about me? I'm not. Not ready at all. In fact, I don't even feel like getting on. New timetable? New friends? New excitement? NO! Everything is just a BULL SHIT. I wish time could just stop at now. Forever. Perhaps outsiders might think that we scholars have a bright future. Frankly, I don't see any future. It's just a pitch black in front. Maybe there will be light that would brighten up the path, just maybe... 

Holiday is getting shorter and shorter. I don't want it to end. To me, sem2 is just the repetition of the previous sem. Exhausting, tiring, and demotivating. Surely, it'll be more than those above. Worse. This is just half of the first year. I doubt myself if I can continue for several years more. I'm so sick of life there. I supposed the purpose of holiday is to recharge yourself. Somehow I don't feel the same way. Breaks are just temporary escapism from the usual life that you're living, that you are dread of, and you hate it a lot.

Even if there's someone that is wiling to help you to regain the passion, it's still in vain if you don't want to face the reality. This is how I am now. Perhaps all the troubles that frustrate me, is because of my pessimistic mindset. You can't get on if you refuse to walk. Unless someone is kind enough to carry you. But this won't be. For the truth that everyone is selfish, included me. :(

F _ _ L

Do you understand me? I wonder. I can't say NO. Because you showed me that you do. Now I doubt myself if I could say YES. Because you showed that you've forgotten. About how I am, and how you used to be. I tried not to care. But it's in vain. I know...

...time might heal, or kill...

心。欣

好像从来都不曾用心去写一篇部落格。每次上到来都带着一肚子的怨气，然后一把鼻涕一把眼泪的把情绪一行又一行地打出来，直到词穷才甘愿。

想了想，部落格的用意何在？这个答案很主观吧。

那再想想，部落格对我的用意何在？----- 情绪的发泄

发现自己不会如何跟人家沟通，很多事很多想法很多时候都不知该怎么说出口，而且你想说，人家又不务必要听，我倒不如去跟墙壁诉说好了。它虽然冷冰冰的，至少它不会拒绝你，至少它是坚固的，还靠得住。

可是可是只不过...对着一面墙说话人家会觉得你不对劲啊！><

我还是很在乎人家对我的看法。

开心的事通常不会在这里被发现，但不代表我不曾快乐。只是，要分享喜悦不难找对象，要找诉苦的对象就较有难度。所以就跑到这儿来了。

部落格，大概只有关心你的朋友会浏览的吧。就算是那些无聊透顶的人进来了，那么悲观的文章他们看了也会跑掉吧。

也许我没有很用心地去写，但至少我写的句句都是真心话。:)