Can't you see?!

Though it looks like a small matter, you'll never know how much it hurts. Because you don't care. Neither should I. Who can change me when I can't even listen to myself? The one who can will always not want to do so.

I wish that I'm over you.

A box

Is life all about making decisions and regretting over what you've chosen?

I really can't go on anymore. The more I force myself to step forward, the weaker I'm becoming. When efforts that you gave doesn't payback,what would you do? I don't know. I really don't. I feel so bad, and it's bad to feel bad. Nightmares, tears, scoldings, and counselings that are not giving any positive changes in me. I'm so sorry. I tried really hard. But I just failed again and again. Words that were said, aids that were given, aren't helping much. Tears go on, and nightmares continue with no mercy. Sometimes I just try to hold my breath in the hope that everything could stop. I'm dread of reality. I'm doing silly stuffs to "help" myself getting over these. I don't want to turn to anyone because all the blames will be back to me. Yes. I have a problem. And the problem is ME.

At times I just wish that I could hide myself inside a box. Where you occupied the space physically so that it gives you the feeling of being mentally occupied too, and there's no extra rooms for nonsense thoughts. =(

中。秋。节

真的真的对自己感到极度失望。花了那么多时间，牺牲了那么多睡眠，抛开了周末的愉快，我制造了一堆垃圾。是！过去的事就别再提了，然而我没办法不去想，然后又觉得自己为什么一直在担心过去的事，我很讨厌很讨厌现在的自己！

今天是中秋节，一个孤独又难过得中秋节... :'(

End it.

I've been crying for days consequently. And I once thought I'd not cry over anything anymore. I was wrong. Tears just flow uncontrollably. Thank god it stops after a while. Is that what we called "cry over and get over?" Anyways, life's been good overall. I bet people who read this would caught a shock. Yes, it is for real. Though shit happens, I'm still able to live a life out of those shits. My point is, being happy doesn't mean that you don't feel sad. And of course, feeling sad doesn't indicate that you don't experience joyful moments. Not everything should be told, or to be found out. In fact, keeping hopes is much better than to try to make your dreams come true. Some wishes are better to remain ungranted, because the most exciting part of having a wish is to dream for the time when it comes true. As long as you have dreams, or even dream, you'll live. I've made my decision, to end this. :)

怪物

最近都没什么感觉。
因该不是麻木了，而是我试着操控自己的情绪。
电话跌花了我都不允许自己不高兴，反而觉得，我大概是第一个弄损电话的人吧。
算！我承认自己不是斯文类的。 = =

本来很多东西要说，但是突然不知道该怎么说，还是我根本就不想说。
那天有个朋友问我隔多久通电回家，我大剌剌的回答说：“无事不登三宝殿。”
这，是事实。
人家报喜不报忧，换作是我那应该无话可说了。
那天我好像把事情弄糟了，他们应该很担心吧？
可是难道我说出心里的话也有错吗？T.T 
我不是笨！我只是觉得，人家要的不代表我也应该 要。
我知道你为我好，可是你至少也该尝试去明白我啊。
又是你说有什么事可以跟你说，不要乱想，可我说了你又是如此的反应，我该继续说吗？答案我没有，但是我的心告诉我，我不要再说了。
其实我知道，说了肯定不成，我太了解你了！:P
所以我并没有失望，只想让你明白我的想法。
打从一开始你就知道了，你认为时间能冲淡一切，并不是。

你一直说了解我，那你猜猜看我还能撑多久呢？ :i

New sem vs. Stagnant me

Sem 2 is about to begin. I should feel lucky that amongst all the uni, mine will be the last to start the lessons. At least I haven't knew any uni that has longer winter break than mine, so far. Everyone is so passionate. They set aims and stuffs. Hoping for better things in a new sem. People are excited, about the new sem, new friends, new life and everything. How about me? I'm not. Not ready at all. In fact, I don't even feel like getting on. New timetable? New friends? New excitement? NO! Everything is just a BULL SHIT. I wish time could just stop at now. Forever. Perhaps outsiders might think that we scholars have a bright future. Frankly, I don't see any future. It's just a pitch black in front. Maybe there will be light that would brighten up the path, just maybe... 

Holiday is getting shorter and shorter. I don't want it to end. To me, sem2 is just the repetition of the previous sem. Exhausting, tiring, and demotivating. Surely, it'll be more than those above. Worse. This is just half of the first year. I doubt myself if I can continue for several years more. I'm so sick of life there. I supposed the purpose of holiday is to recharge yourself. Somehow I don't feel the same way. Breaks are just temporary escapism from the usual life that you're living, that you are dread of, and you hate it a lot.

Even if there's someone that is wiling to help you to regain the passion, it's still in vain if you don't want to face the reality. This is how I am now. Perhaps all the troubles that frustrate me, is because of my pessimistic mindset. You can't get on if you refuse to walk. Unless someone is kind enough to carry you. But this won't be. For the truth that everyone is selfish, included me. :(

F _ _ L

Do you understand me? I wonder. I can't say NO. Because you showed me that you do. Now I doubt myself if I could say YES. Because you showed that you've forgotten. About how I am, and how you used to be. I tried not to care. But it's in vain. I know...

...time might heal, or kill...