Hundreds of whys

I miss everything. That I used to have. People often tell others to cherish what they have, so that they won't feel regret as things are gone. But knowing to appreciate doesn't mean things won't change. The world intended to control people, nature and many more. Yet they've failed to control the time. We can't travel as fast as the speed of light. The Earth continues to spin, time passes, people changes -- nothing lasts. It might come back again, in a millennium I guess? Maybe. Who knows. No one could survive that long. No matter how much love and gratitude you've poured in, that person will still leave you someday. At least you won't be sorry to yourself? This just seems to be a pathetic way of self consolation to me.

Life's unfair, I know. Is it because the Earth is tilted at 23.4°? Or is it because our heart's located at the lefter part of the body?

Can't you see?!

Though it looks like a small matter, you'll never know how much it hurts. Because you don't care. Neither should I. Who can change me when I can't even listen to myself? The one who can will always not want to do so.

I wish that I'm over you.

A box

Is life all about making decisions and regretting over what you've chosen?

I really can't go on anymore. The more I force myself to step forward, the weaker I'm becoming. When efforts that you gave doesn't payback,what would you do? I don't know. I really don't. I feel so bad, and it's bad to feel bad. Nightmares, tears, scoldings, and counselings that are not giving any positive changes in me. I'm so sorry. I tried really hard. But I just failed again and again. Words that were said, aids that were given, aren't helping much. Tears go on, and nightmares continue with no mercy. Sometimes I just try to hold my breath in the hope that everything could stop. I'm dread of reality. I'm doing silly stuffs to "help" myself getting over these. I don't want to turn to anyone because all the blames will be back to me. Yes. I have a problem. And the problem is ME.

At times I just wish that I could hide myself inside a box. Where you occupied the space physically so that it gives you the feeling of being mentally occupied too, and there's no extra rooms for nonsense thoughts. =(

中。秋。节

真的真的对自己感到极度失望。花了那么多时间，牺牲了那么多睡眠，抛开了周末的愉快，我制造了一堆垃圾。是！过去的事就别再提了，然而我没办法不去想，然后又觉得自己为什么一直在担心过去的事，我很讨厌很讨厌现在的自己！

今天是中秋节，一个孤独又难过得中秋节... :'(

End it.

I've been crying for days consequently. And I once thought I'd not cry over anything anymore. I was wrong. Tears just flow uncontrollably. Thank god it stops after a while. Is that what we called "cry over and get over?" Anyways, life's been good overall. I bet people who read this would caught a shock. Yes, it is for real. Though shit happens, I'm still able to live a life out of those shits. My point is, being happy doesn't mean that you don't feel sad. And of course, feeling sad doesn't indicate that you don't experience joyful moments. Not everything should be told, or to be found out. In fact, keeping hopes is much better than to try to make your dreams come true. Some wishes are better to remain ungranted, because the most exciting part of having a wish is to dream for the time when it comes true. As long as you have dreams, or even dream, you'll live. I've made my decision, to end this. :)

怪物

最近都没什么感觉。
因该不是麻木了，而是我试着操控自己的情绪。
电话跌花了我都不允许自己不高兴，反而觉得，我大概是第一个弄损电话的人吧。
算！我承认自己不是斯文类的。 = =

本来很多东西要说，但是突然不知道该怎么说，还是我根本就不想说。
那天有个朋友问我隔多久通电回家，我大剌剌的回答说：“无事不登三宝殿。”
这，是事实。
人家报喜不报忧，换作是我那应该无话可说了。
那天我好像把事情弄糟了，他们应该很担心吧？
可是难道我说出心里的话也有错吗？T.T 
我不是笨！我只是觉得，人家要的不代表我也应该 要。
我知道你为我好，可是你至少也该尝试去明白我啊。
又是你说有什么事可以跟你说，不要乱想，可我说了你又是如此的反应，我该继续说吗？答案我没有，但是我的心告诉我，我不要再说了。
其实我知道，说了肯定不成，我太了解你了！:P
所以我并没有失望，只想让你明白我的想法。
打从一开始你就知道了，你认为时间能冲淡一切，并不是。

你一直说了解我，那你猜猜看我还能撑多久呢？ :i

New sem vs. Stagnant me

Sem 2 is about to begin. I should feel lucky that amongst all the uni, mine will be the last to start the lessons. At least I haven't knew any uni that has longer winter break than mine, so far. Everyone is so passionate. They set aims and stuffs. Hoping for better things in a new sem. People are excited, about the new sem, new friends, new life and everything. How about me? I'm not. Not ready at all. In fact, I don't even feel like getting on. New timetable? New friends? New excitement? NO! Everything is just a BULL SHIT. I wish time could just stop at now. Forever. Perhaps outsiders might think that we scholars have a bright future. Frankly, I don't see any future. It's just a pitch black in front. Maybe there will be light that would brighten up the path, just maybe... 

Holiday is getting shorter and shorter. I don't want it to end. To me, sem2 is just the repetition of the previous sem. Exhausting, tiring, and demotivating. Surely, it'll be more than those above. Worse. This is just half of the first year. I doubt myself if I can continue for several years more. I'm so sick of life there. I supposed the purpose of holiday is to recharge yourself. Somehow I don't feel the same way. Breaks are just temporary escapism from the usual life that you're living, that you are dread of, and you hate it a lot.

Even if there's someone that is wiling to help you to regain the passion, it's still in vain if you don't want to face the reality. This is how I am now. Perhaps all the troubles that frustrate me, is because of my pessimistic mindset. You can't get on if you refuse to walk. Unless someone is kind enough to carry you. But this won't be. For the truth that everyone is selfish, included me. :(

F _ _ L

Do you understand me? I wonder. I can't say NO. Because you showed me that you do. Now I doubt myself if I could say YES. Because you showed that you've forgotten. About how I am, and how you used to be. I tried not to care. But it's in vain. I know...

...time might heal, or kill...

心。欣

好像从来都不曾用心去写一篇部落格。每次上到来都带着一肚子的怨气，然后一把鼻涕一把眼泪的把情绪一行又一行地打出来，直到词穷才甘愿。

想了想，部落格的用意何在？这个答案很主观吧。

那再想想，部落格对我的用意何在？----- 情绪的发泄

发现自己不会如何跟人家沟通，很多事很多想法很多时候都不知该怎么说出口，而且你想说，人家又不务必要听，我倒不如去跟墙壁诉说好了。它虽然冷冰冰的，至少它不会拒绝你，至少它是坚固的，还靠得住。

可是可是只不过...对着一面墙说话人家会觉得你不对劲啊！><

我还是很在乎人家对我的看法。

开心的事通常不会在这里被发现，但不代表我不曾快乐。只是，要分享喜悦不难找对象，要找诉苦的对象就较有难度。所以就跑到这儿来了。

部落格，大概只有关心你的朋友会浏览的吧。就算是那些无聊透顶的人进来了，那么悲观的文章他们看了也会跑掉吧。

也许我没有很用心地去写，但至少我写的句句都是真心话。:)

Ungrateful me.

And again, mission failed.

I tried really hard, or perhaps not hard enough. I'm too realistic to keep reminding myself about this escapism. It's only for TEMPORARILY. Now I realized that it doesn't matter where I am. I just need to feel secured, and that's all. I admit that I prefer to stay relax back at home, rather than to plan for trips and visits to elsewhere. Somehow, people think that I'm stupid for not utilizing this precious holiday to the max. Honestly, I wanted to. But having fun is NOT FUN when you're all alone. :(

All these while, I've been putting efforts. But it's not for the purpose to make myself happy. It's to change myself into what others want --- an all-time cheerful girl.

I know that I'm loved. But loving me with the wrong way will just make me feel even worse. Can you PLEASE love me as the way I am, instead of trying to turn me into what you think would be better for me? :')

Sorry

I don't know what I want.

Sorry for making everyone to wait.

I'm just too confuse of what to do. 

Seriously in need of a counselor. :(

告诉我！

心情不好是我自己找来的

乱发脾气是我不对

情绪起伏不定是我的错

哭是代表我懦弱

不哭是因为我没事

大小姐的我很令人厌恶

怨天尤人是我不知足

静静不出声的我会比较讨人喜欢

你们都喜欢静静的阿静静

阿静静最好是静静的

不静静的话就没人喜欢了

告诉我，是不是这样子？

如果你是喜欢把快乐建筑在别人的痛苦上

那不喜欢我的你会很常快乐

因为我会常常因为你而不开心 :(

Camouflage

I can't and I don't know how to pretend.

I'm tough!

除了坚强，还是坚强，再坚强；再不行，也要假装我是，因为我就是。

彻彻底底的麻木了，感觉不在了。

喜怒哀乐是什么？我忘了。

哭了，是伤心吗？为什么我不管再怎么难过难受都不会哭了？

开心到底是怎样？有谁可以提醒我？真的怀疑自己是否有开心的时刻。

不生气了，不是情绪控制得好，而是没感觉了。

不埋怨了，不是过得好，而是明白了无济于事。

不哭了，不是没事， 而是连怎么哭都忘了。

表达能力一直在退步，人家却一直以为我在进步。

不敢有希望了，害怕会失望；虽然明白人生没希望会是多么的可悲，可是真的，没办法再承受背叛的耻辱。

害怕了，我会跑，要逃避；是开始伪装了，但表面上还是坚强的。:)

当笨蛋，一次就够

你真的真的，伤到我了 :c

可是谁会在乎呢?

说是不高兴可以找你诉苦，只是客套话吧。到最后你也烦了，我只不过是个出气筒...

我再也再也，不相信了...

所谓的我们，只是“我” 和“你”的简称，就只有字面上的意思。

到头来，“我” 和 “你” 根本是两回事。

Three happy things :)

I'm happy, and contented. Doesn't want to boast, but it seems like I'm getting over you. Slowly yet consistently. Thank you for not being caring. That I could feel how much others actually cared about me. Somehow, that doesn't mean that I wouldn't care anymore. For someone can be nice to me without any reason, so can I be good to you, with no reason. Promise me, that you'll treat others well, by just holding to what I believe in, and what I've done to you. Spread the love, and let the chain continues. :)

Happy birthday to you~

So and so..

I'm so not alright.

I don't know what happened to me.

Though I know it's alright to be not alright.

It's not alright when you don't even know the reason behind.

I'm just so sick about myself.

Being emo is indeed torturing.

I can't take this anymore.

Yet it's getting intense.

I don't know how to fix it.

Don't know to to fix myself.

So that it gets better.

I've stop complaining.

No more crying.

Distractions no longer work on me.

I'm getting worse.
Falling into nowhere.

I've failed to make others happy.

Neither I succeeded in entertaining myself.

The time period for "temporary".

It's getting shorter, shorter and shorter.

I have no idea on what to do.

And what to say.

I appear to be annoying to people.

And now I irritated myself.

I hate myself more than anyone does!

After all "hate" is still a feeling right?  

Cheers~

I want to turn pretty!
To make you regret about everything you've done to me.
No more emo, no more staying up late, stay happy, and smile always!

You were right. I'm selfish. I'm bad. Because people like you DOES exist. They hurt.

Say it as a bad intention, I don't care as long as it turned out to be my motivation to look better.

Thank you, for making me mad. You don't worth it. But you just did it.
CONGRATULATIONS.

I'll make you PAY for it.

小丑鱼

抱怨、泪水、诉说

只能证明自己的不成熟

用沉默表达

或许只是唯一

时间

其实也不怎么灵

看着眼前一片火海

后面观众满怀希望

惟有闭上眼睛

故作坚定

往前迈进

再累不停

再烫不叫

再痛不哭

努力表演

到头来才发现

原来只是一场笑话

In a mess.

Suddenly feels like I want to get my haircut.

Will memories be gone together?

I hope so.

Only in fairy tales

They existed.

Can you recall yourself watching and getting impressed by fairy tales when you were young?

I'm a fish monger..

Can I be selfish for today, tomorrow, and everyday in the future?

I'm NOT happy at all.

I just need a shoulder to cry on :c

Turtle tortoise ~

真的很怀疑自己是否有问题。

走路比蜗牛还慢，人家只花了十五分钟，我却用了整整半小时才到！

在 One U 逛都没那么累人，至少还有些养眼的东东看。累了，不想走了，顶多回家睡大觉。

反而在大学里，累了没得休息不止，还要硬争眼皮专心听课。呜呜~

每次累了心情都会很糟糕，回到家还要做一大堆的功课。别说动手，光想都足以让我从梦中吓醒了。不赖吧！

所谓工欲善其事，必先利其器。工具都没，要怎么做啊... 乖乖在本地念书不就好了嘛，来到这么远还要受那么多不必要的苦，哀哉！

说是磨练，我是在怀疑是不是人都有自虐倾向啊？

木确实可以越磨越滑，但人越磨就越多窟窿。你把自己当木头看了吗？！ 笨蛋！

我不要，我不要！我只想简简单单，平平淡淡的过活，请你不要在比较了好不好？我...累垮了。:c

呵呵...

你不知道

我何时又哭了

我是绝对不会让你知道的 :)

Practising mandarin...

已经是第三个礼拜了，感觉怪怪的。

起初不敢一个人睡觉，才惊觉这十九年以来，我不曾独自过夜，太可怕了！

结果整整一个礼拜的晚上不敢把房门关上。

刚到的时候，喝到的水给人感觉是咸的。是海水吗？

不过的一个浮现的事：金鱼在咸水里活得了吗？我还真搞笑。

每天吃面包喝牛奶，这里的人还真行。我是喜欢，可是总要多点样化吧？

这儿闷闷的，到了五时大家都 “关门大吉” ，一时适应不了。管我叫猫头鹰好了啦。

KBU 比较好的朋友们，都被送到大城市，时间还相隔了三个小时。

不喜欢时差，我不在可以半夜三更打电话给人emo了，因为是人都得睡觉。

今天傍晚跟他俩聊了些话，顿时觉得自己太不成熟了。都快二十岁了，是福是祸？我不懂。

还是算了吧~ spouse 说过，有人愿意呵护是好事，你酱说，我就酱记。我好像越来越听你的话了。

天天下厨，还真有点不行，现在开始好奇妈是如何用同样的调味料煮出那么多不一样味道的菜。不明白，不明白。

好久好久没再听见人家叫我 “阿静静” 了。好怀念那种感觉，开始有点想念你们，自己又不知是放不下身段要号码，还是不太敢打搅，仿佛觉得身体之间的距离很远，但再怎么远还是输给了彼此心灵上的差距。你们现在好吗？应该还记得我吧？在面子书看到一些消息，那儿不好受吧？没关系，我坚信不联络并不代表忘记了。你们要好好保重！

还有番薯，不要难过。其实也无所谓，反正都会过去的。事情总要有个了结吧。

大便，不开心可以随时 call 我，要哭就一起哭。不是说我怕你孤单，你也不应该那么自私啊！

 Pj ren, 还是你最 “平静” ，应该很常一个人躲起来伤心哦？你人有点太好，动不动就 call 来，害得我都不敢 emo 了。这样也好。

大学生活，都在预料之内，不喜欢有规律的生活，不当人了，行了没？不行！都没得选啊。

嘿，讨厌做功课，不过不用考试，我也该知足些的。总比在 KBU 来的好吧？没得比较，世上没有十全十美的事，这是固定性变数；人的要求一直在变换，这是操纵性变数。再怎么变，结果还是一样 --- 人永远都不会知足。

对！世界太大了，每个人经历的都不一样，但不变的是，大家都在成长着。我没大志，只想过得开心，不难吧？ :)

Fishy

Maybe I'm

too naive to believe in

everything. 

too greedy to ask for

anything.

too stupid to dream of

better things.

I just...

need a place to hide in

temporary.

need someone to talk to

desperately.

need to feel to be loved

consistently.

I'm sorry.

I never meant to hurt.

Bad..

Unfulfilling. Dissatisfaction. 

I'm lost. In a place that I'm familiar with, the most. 

P/S: I love blue. :i

Happy!

I'm not.

:(